One of the greatest discoveries of our time is that an individual can control what he says and what he does by the way he thinks.
Unfortunately, many people assume that they can’t control the way they express themselves.
Day by day they carry on making the same conversational blunders.
The fact is that anyone can match wits against the “Opponents” of successful communication and win.
Assuming that you have the desire to win, the principle expressed by Dr Peal applies to you “You can if you think you can.”
Communication that wins a positive response from others can provide you with a new way of life.
Nothing is more essential to success in any area of your life than the ability to communicate well.
Nothing can compare to the joy of communicating love, of being heard and understood completely, of discovering some profound insight from another’s mind, or of transmitting your own thoughts to a rapt audience.
Self-concepts are enhanced, attitudes broadened, beliefs deepened, perspectives clarified, hopes restored, frustrations dissolved and hurt feelings healed.
This is what we call the miracle of dialogue.
Therapists have seen such miracles occur in the midst of their counseling.
When you play the communication game to win, a big part of the payoff is that your partner in communication wins as well.
Our communication is not always successful.
When Pope John Paul II Visited the US in 1979, a news reporter rushed up to him and asked him what he thought of the go-go girls in New York.
Having been warned by an aide that some journalists might distort his words, the pope hesitated, then asked cautiously, “Are there go-go girls in New York?”
As the story goes, the next morning a front page news article read “The first question the pope asked upon his arrival here was “Are there go-go girls in New York?”
Whether the story was apocryphal or not, it demonstrate that no one is free from being misunderstood.
Our words sometimes produce the very opposite effect of what we intended.
We hurt another’s feelings, provoke anger and create psychological distance even when what we really desire are understanding, intimacy, and companionship
Can we increase the number of times when thoughts are transferred from one to another freely and well?
Can we isolate that which promotes communication and that which breaks it down? Can we change our attitudes, our choice of words?
Effective communication on a consistent basis is possible.
In Summary, communication, good or bad is a learned behavior.
You can make a significant difference in the quality of your interpersonal communication.
When you act on new insights, you achieve understanding.
Listen with understanding, assert yourself as you speak with confidence.Learn to say no or yes when you want to and allowing the other person the same privilege.
Establish mutual respect when talking with children.
If you just communicate you can get by.
But if you skilfully communicate, you can work miracles. Jim Rohn
To your success in becoming an effective communicator!
What were you thinking when you first read Chapter 7 in Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland?
That chapter is titled “A Mad Tea Party.”
I remember being so disturbed.
I had never heard a conversation like that before.
I remember feeling like I wanted to stop reading. (Even now when I read it, I get all itchy feeling).
I wanted for Alice to run away.
I was worried for the Doormouse!
I didn’t like the Hatter and I was beginning to not like the Hare very much either.
When that chapter was over, I was so relieved.
This is how I feel so many conversations seem to go these days.
They can be full of conflict, misperceptions, and plain old rudeness.
In contrast, I was fascinated by the conversations in Jane Austen’s novels.
There is such a careful selection of words in order to convey the most accurate meaning.
Perhaps exceedingly cautious and overstated at times, but still better exchanges than those provided by the nasty old Hatter!
If you feel the same way, here are 10 simple suggestions to help improve the quality of your conversations. So the next time you engage in the fine old art of conversation, try a few of these suggestions out and watch your experience of life improve…
Put away the phone
Giving someone your full attention is not only a sign of respect, but essential for having a good conversation.
Presence is everything! Put away all distractions and give the moment what it needs to work.
Make eye contact
Keeping good eye contact reminds you that you are in the presence of another soul.
If you tend to ramble on, especially when you are talking, notice if you are looking away from the person as you speak.
Keeping good eye contact helps you know if you are losing your audience.
Attention goes both ways, whether you are doing the talking or not.
Facial cues are essential when giving and receiving information during a conversation.
If you are not making sense, you’ll see it in your listener’s eyes!
Share a secret
If you are feeling vulnerable and like you are ready to explore a new level of intimacy, go for it.
Share a secret.
Just make sure you’re not spilling someone else’s secret.
You must have exclusive rights to your secret.
Sharing harmless secrets that can be kept confidential are one of the best ways to deepen your relationships by inspiring mutual trust.
Tell a good story
Is there a story you like to tell often?
There is probably a reason why.
Find the moral that lies within and you have struck gold.
If you are going to tell the story, tell the whole story.
Everyone loves a good story.
If it is told well, it won’t matter how many times you tell it.
Ask questions that matter
Small talk is fine, and of course you want to stay informed about current events, but don’t forget that we are feeling human beings.
Having better conversations means discussing your feelings with people.
Your feelings may be obvious to you, but unless you express them, the person you are talking to might be unaware of how you feel.
Avoid unnecessary offense or heartache by carefully laying your feelings out on the table.
See how the light shines on any situation once you share your feelings.
Listen to the answers
The thing about a good conversation is that there is a time to speak and a time to listen.
Be present during both of these activities.
If you are only half listening because you are thinking about the next thing you are going to say, you are cheating yourself.
Stay with the ebb and flow, and trust that all that needs revealing will be revealed.
Avoid problem solving
Sometimes a person just needs to vent, or be heard, and may not necessarily be soliciting advice.
Unless the person directly asks for a solution to their problem, they are most likely just searching for a little empathy.
It is so important to hold that safe space for someone when they are in need of a little empathy.
They just need to know that they are supported.
Find the positive
If the conversation is turning to the dark side, be the Jedi Knight.
Rescue it by looking for the positive in a situation or just steer the conversation in a different, more positive direction.
Your friend may not realize it, but they need your strength and guidance because they can’t get there alone.
Be that life-line for them!
Feel better after than before
You’ll know you had a good conversation when you simply feel better after it than you did before it.
A good conversation is an exchange of energy.
When you share equally and in ways that uplift one another, you can both feel restored from it.
If you know it is going to be a heavy conversation, because your friend is suffering, then shield yourself energetically before engaging.
There is nothing wrong with preparing yourself for possibilities.
Keep an open mind and heart, but don’t allow yourself to take on negative energies from another person.
Instead think of the exercise as a transmutation of energy.
Transforming negative energy into neutral or positive energy can occur with a little effort on your part.
Make a date for your next conversation
Before the conversation ends, be sure to make a plan for the next one.
Mutual intentions to maintain a friendship are an indication that the bond is genuine.
Many people are gifted with an abundance of acquaintances, but true friendships are the soul to soul connections that make this life worth living.
Cherish them, celebrate them, and never take them for granted.
Body language is something that is conveyed through gestures instead of verbal communication.
In today’s busy world people find it easy to express their feeling through gestures than speaking.
We use body languages in our day to day life while interacting with others for expressing our views.
It enables one to read another person’s emotions and feelings accurately and is also the best way to pass the confidential information.
Being a leader is essential in every part of our life.
If you want to become a good leader first you need to develop leadership qualities.
Some people will have inborn qualities of a good leader but many has the desire to become a good leader.
Today’s children are tomorrow’s leaders so leadership qualities have to be developed from childhood.
You might have seen children who take leadership in games that they play and in classroom activities.
Parents and teachers should analyze them and support them in their path.
Now let’s know who are good leaders and the things to develop leadership qualities:
One who commands alone cannot become a good leader. You might have heard a saying by John C Maxwell, “A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way.”
Leaders have to know the path that they have to go, move towards the same and guide the team to move forward.
They will share their experiences and help their followers to avoid the mistakes and problems that they faced in their journey.
Positive and inspiring leaders who empower and develop followers are termed as good leaders.
Great leaders are courageous and they never give up.
Just by observing one’s body language we can realize what he is thinking or wants to say.
Body language includes all gestures like eye movement, facial expressions and other signals for conveying message.
When we pass the information with gesture it will have more impact than the normal discussion.
It plays vital role in communicating with people and help us to evaluate their expression on our speech.
Pleasant face, eye contact, confident attitude are considered as some positive signs.
Each and every movement convey message, so we have to be very careful with our movements.
We can judge people based on their body language.
Aggressive people give aggressive gestures, stare, show over firmness whereas nervous people bite their nail, no confidence and avoid eye contact.
When the person is interested then they will be very active, listen, have eye contact and if the person is not interested then their activities will be like looking around the room, watch time, yawn and disturb others.
Thus, one must know and develop knowledge on the above said aspects for getting good impression and in many ways it helps you to succeed in your personal and professional life.
In the last article we discussed some of the positive characteristics that lead to effective communication, but what about recognizing behaviors in ourselves that lead to just the opposite… bad communication?
Exploring both sides of the coin is beneficial when trying to become a more effective communicator.
Yes, we can focus on incorporating useful suggestions to change our communication style, but it is equally important to become aware of some damaging behaviors we may be using from an ingrained default position without even being aware.
Research shows people who demonstrate some of the following behaviors can be considered by the majority as ineffective in their communication efforts.
They communicate from a bullying standpoint through ridicule, scorn, threats and emotional outbursts.
I view this as the “Yosemite Sam” effect. These people have a low threshold for being able to tolerate anything outside their sphere of perceived control and an inability to manage their emotions.
Emotional outbursts are off-putting to say the least. They make most people feel uncomfortable and put them in an offensive position before they can even get a word in.
As the old saying goes, “if you can manage your emotions all is well, but when your emotions begin to manage you… watch out.”
They come at communication from an ingrained belief that somehow views demeaning others either as a motivational tool or a way to absolve themselves from being accountable for their own self conduct.
This behavior causes people on the receiving end to “check out.”
Most people shut down in situations like this and communication is lost before it ever begins.
They fail to listen.
This is a big one and unfortunately a common challenge for a great deal of people.
Again, I lean on an old saying “we were given two ears, two eyes, and one mouth for a reason.”
Yet, listening to others for some, can pose as a difficult task to achieve. The term “listening” conceptually is pretty broad, but listening to actually hear the other person becomes more specific.
For example, you can listen to someone speak while typing on your computer, but I guarantee the person communicating will not feel “heard.”
Listening involves more than just your ears.
To actively listen a good communicator employs body posture, eyes, facial expressions, and at times, even voice at the end to communicate understanding.
They have a habit of interrupting.
Interrupting is another huge area that fosters poor communication, yet something I see quite a few people do without even being aware they are doing it.
I have actually observed conversations where a person was interrupting repeatedly throughout the conversation, yet when following up with that same person afterwards they were unaware of their interruptions and in some cases actually surprised by my feedback.
This is a prime example of that “default position” I refer to.
As human beings, we develop certain ways of “being” in the world.
We establish behaviors, beliefs and perceptions that become so imbedded in our personality that they are habitual and occur outside our sphere of active awareness… hence activating our “default position.”
Regardless of whether we think we can multi-task effectively, we can’t when it comes to communication.
When we go to a place of composing a response or we are so overwhelmed by our urge to interject our thoughts in the middle of someone else’s dialogue, we are actually no longer listening.
Interrupting serves a double edged negative sword as it not only ceases our ability to listen, but it also disconnects us from the other person by making them feel un-heard, disrespected, devalued, demeaned and the list goes on.
They find fault with what others bring to the conversation more often than not.
Communication is really a fine art.
It is more complex than most of us realize or even stop to consider.
I believe this is the case because it is something we all do daily in one form or another, so as a commonly engaged in behavior, it is at risk to become problematic over time.
Thus enters… finding fault.
Yet another poor communication skill, finding fault regularly shows up in conversations either intentionally or unintentionally.
In order for dialogue to be productive, all present and engaged in the process need to feel respected and valued.
They also need to have trust. If the majority of the time, you are finding fault with what is being presented, you need to go back to the proverbial drawing board and reassess your desired outcomes.
Continually finding fault only serves to douse the flames of creative thought and destroy the potential for nurturing the essential ingredients of a robust dialogue like innovation, strategizing, visioning, or problem solving to name a few.
They are viewed as unapproachable by others.
Let’s face it, people like to connect.
We are social beings and establishing a sense of connection is part of our biological coding.
If you read the work of Daniel Siegel, he points to the importance of connection throughout most of his literature.
Years ago I attended a conference with Dan Siegel. One of the statements he made that I never forgot, he said “relationships are the defining feature that makes us human.”
So, if you have received feedback that you are acting in ways that convey a message to others that you are unapproachable, stop and give it some thought.
If you are perceived as unapproachable, barriers go up and you sabotage communication efforts before they even find a starting point.
It really is all up to you, make the choice to live your life by design, not default!
Take charge of your destiny and re-design a stellar Blueprint for Success!
There are four behaviors so deadly to a relationship, whether romantic, family and friends, or business, that they have been called ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ by relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D.. He names them:
This time we look at Stonewalling
Relationships are about you and something (like money) or someone else (family, friend, lover).
When someone actively disengages from a conversation or the relationship, Gottman calls it stonewalling.
It is very hard on a relationship.
‘Active’ and ‘disengagement’ are the key words.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Can we talk please?”
“If you don’t talk to me I’m going to burn that &*%$#@ paper!”
[ducking behind the newspaper?-?more silence]
[Sounds of a flame thrower come from the kitchen.]
Stonewalling shows up as silent treatments, a refusal to engage, and withdrawal and in general just ignoring the other.
When stonewalling is present there are usually several of the other horsemen also galloping about and wreaking havoc.
Stonewalling always escalates the conflict.
It invites conflict, contempt, and defensiveness in an attempt to break the silence.
Remember that our biggest need in a relationship is to be heard and know that our feelings matter.
The ‘other’ will get louder and more insistent in his or her demands for our attention until eventually just giving up and checking out emotionally. Call the coroner.
I’ve heard many people say “We’ve been emotionally divorced for years.” Stonewalling is where it starts.
So what to do:
Realize your relationship is in a state of alarm and needs immediate attention.
1. If you are the one who is stonewalling explore the fears behind why you are not engaging.
Is there a part of your identity that is at risk?
Do you feel it just makes matters worse? Are you overwhelmed by emotion and anxiety and just can’t handle it?
2. It may be helpful to explain why you are withholding.
What do you need to from the other in order to be able to speak freely?
Do you need to know that what you share will be held in confidence?
Do you need to speak uninterrupted for a length of time?
Do you need to set aside a time and/or place to have a difficult conversation?
3. Is there a real threat of danger?
Do you need a neutral place to meet, or a third party present?
Do you need to have an agreement that there will be no screaming or bullying?
What do you need to create a place where communication can happen?
4. If your partner is stonewalling take a look at what you are doing that would cause the other to feel unsafe in expressing him/herself.
Have you been judgmental?
Are you being critical or contemptuous?
Is s/he fearful that you will dismiss his/her ideas?
Do you have to be right? Do you yell and bully?
5. Focus on how YOU want to be and how you want things to be between you.
Show up in the way you want regardless of what the other does.
If you can show up as your highest and best self your friend/partner will have a better shot at doing that also.
Relationship coaching can be a powerful witness and change agent for your relationship.
Don’t wait until your relationship is taking its last breath before you seek help!
‘Reading between the lines’ was another saying that my grandmother used to use all the time. It was something she taught me to do, as best she could, which in my life has been instrumental in decisions I have made.
I am not sure if my assumptions have always been correct though.
I tend to read body language and expressions along with the pauses and unspoken words to get a bigger picture so I can judge the circumstances better.
As communication is so very different these days as we do not communicate face-to-face as much as previously, it is much harder to really understand what is happening or being communicated.
As humans, doing the best we can do, telling a half story or not being totally honest with someone, so as not to hurt their feelings, is sometimes better, if you know or perceive that the truth will be detrimental.
Being non-committal and using words like ‘interesting’ conveys its own story without having to say too much.
One of the most important things in communication is listening for and hearing what isn’t being said.
The art of reading between the lines is a life-long quest.
We are often quick to judge instead of really hearing what the other person is truly saying.
Are they really hurt or in pain, is their heart broken or are they lonely or crying out for help?
Being a woman I am very aware that often we tend not to really say what we want to say as we would rather not get into a confrontation.
In fact we really want the other person to ‘read us’ and know when there is something wrong that needs to be said.
For many men saying things as they are appears to be easier as they tend to just say it as it is.
Men tend not to get into the emotions, as many women generally do, and this then causes other challenges.
It is a great advantage to be able to say something without being misconstrued, without hurting the other person.
As we are all very different personalities this often does not happen and we really do not hear what is really being said.
“It can be the greatest gift being able to just say what needs to be said and understood, whilst being wise enough to know when to say a comment without damage to the person or the relationship.”
Learning to read between the lines was in earlier years, ex war time, used for transmitting coded messages.
We still use this form of communication, with our loved ones and children or in our work.
If you really read between the lines you will ‘hear’ they are conceding to something that they really do not want to do, see or feel.
I am sure my grandmother learned this skill as she lived through both World War I and II and spent many hours writing to soldiers who needed comfort.
I have been learning over the years not to believe everything that I read or hear literally.
I endeavor to ‘read between the lines’ as much as I can.
When someone says something in anger or hurt and then says that they didn’t mean it, for me there is always some truth behind what was said.
Denying it is just covering up, knowing as the receiver that this is their real thought.
So, by perceiving or detecting a hidden meaning in someone’s writings and words, you often can get more information than the message really says.
For example, when someone says everything is ‘fine’, reading between the lines often could mean that something was wrong, if the expression, and body language shows differently.
It is sometimes hard to express our real feelings or desires as we do not wish to be seen as weak.
This not only happens in our personal lives but also in our professional lives.
We wish to be perceived as strong and in control of our world.
Only someone who really knows and understands someone else, can they detect the real truth.
As doing business today is far more relaxed and open, it is easier to depict what is happening than ever before.
Whether we are face-to-face with someone, speaking to them on the phone or mobile texting the way we ‘read between the lines’ will be determined by the process used.
When we are face-to-face we have body language and gestures to guide us, when it comes to speaking on the phone we only have tone of voice is the main key and finally, when we take the latest form of communication, via texting, this makes ‘reading between the lines’ very difficult.
I feel that more relationship breakdowns can happen this way as the interpretation is totally left to the skill of the writer and the receiver, which more than likely is different!
Face-to-face communication gives us the opportunity to read what is happening and correct if we are misinterpreted.
The voice can do this far more effectively than texting, as the receiver is out on a limb and can be misconstrued totally as a result of their interpretation of the comment.
Social media also has its drawbacks which is quite obvious by the way messages are interpreted and commented on.
Often the comment is not related at all to what was intended by the original writer of the post.
So, learn to read between the lines of what is said or written.
This is a skill that will support you in your relationships and communication generally in the future.
Have you ever been at a presentation or talking with someone and you have a difficult time understanding what they are saying?
What about you?
Do you speak clearly enough so that people understand YOU?
The tip for today will help you Speak so that You Can Be Understood.
Enunciate your words.
The definition of Enunciate is to pronounce words or parts of words clearly.
In addition to pronouncing words clearly, you want to be certain you are pronouncing words correctly.
I know that my biggest enunciation problem is putting the “endings on words”.
When speaking, I don’t clearly pronounce the ending letters in words. In fact, leaving off the endings in works is very common.
Several examples of what I’m referring to include:
Going – dropping the “g” would be pronounced as “go-in”
Talking – dropping the “g” would be pronounced as “talk-in”
Jogging – dropping the “g” would be pronounced as “jog-gin”
To help with my enunciation, I have discovered that I can improve my diction!
When I speak to a large group, I purposefully do 3 things:
Talk slowly so that I have the time to pronounce the word. When I talk quickly, I think quicker than I talk. That means that I’m not completing my words!
Open my mouth more so that I am enunciating the word. This feels very awkward, but it works. When I need to be heard clearly, I use my mouth more when I talk. He He!
Make a big effort to intentionally put endings on my words. This is another skill that feels very awkward. But, if I intentionally put emphasis on the last letter of the word, then I am better understood.
When I do these things, I find that people can understand me better.
And, I’m able to communicate better with the other person.
What are some other common enunciation issues?
Mumbling – talking indistinctly and quietly, making it difficult for others to hear.
Slurring words together – combining words, reducing or omitting sounds in the hurried or careless talk.
Why is enunciation important?
If I’m not understood, then there is a breakdown in communication, and I don’t want that.
I want to be able to communicate well.
When you are communicating, make certain that you are enunciating your words.
It might be uncomfortable, but it’s a great way to be understood and be heard.
So when we talk about mindfulness in communication, we must remember that attentive listening is equally important , not only wary speaking.
Since we have treated mindful listening in a previous pole, today we will cover mindful speaking.
Just like mindful listening, when we talk mindfully, we should start by descending whatever “its by” we are doing and precisely focused on what we want to say.
Again, it is crucial to to establish good eye contact with the listener.
In addition to these two points, here are a few additional tips to speaking mindfully.
1. Clear your head of all assumptions
It is always a good doctrine to clarify what the listener already knows instead of making assumptions that he once knows it.
Then it becomes easier to adapt your address to what is relevant to him. Likewise, the listener is advisable to make it a practice to confirm and clarify any points he is unsure about.
Fixing excessive hypothesis can lead to misunderstanding.
2. Before you speak, pass across the Triple Filters test
Whenever we give something, it is crucial to to wonder first before we say it.
The Triple Filters test, attributed to the wise of Socrates, is a good way to reflect on what the hell are you want to say.
The first filter is TRUTH.
Is what you say true-blue? If “its not”, do not say it.
Even if it is true, we then need to filter it at the next level.
The second filter is GOODNESS.
Ask yourself, is it beneficial to the listener?
Will it do him good, or otherwise?
If it will not benefit him, or may even injure him, what would be the ability of saying it to him?
On the other side, if it is true and good, then we guide it through the third largest and final filter.
The third filter is APPROPRIATENESS.
For appropriateness, we need to look at whether it is appropriate in time, in place and in person. Is it the right time to say it?
Is this the right place for it? Are you the right person to say it, or is this the right person to say it to?
Passing through this Triple Filters test will make sure that your intention for pronouncing is good and not due to some veiled greedy agenda.
3. As you are speaking, be mindful of a few things
The first thing to be mindful of “when you’re talking” is to notice whether the words you choose are appropriate and accurately send the meaning you purposed.
Next, watch the manner of your utter.
Is it friendly and warm, or unfriendly?
Is there any suggestion of analysis or opinion? Be mindful also of your body language, gesticulates and postures.
Remember that a warm friendly speech is always more greeting than a coarse answer, and the listener is more likely to be receptive to it.
It may be difficult to be mindful of all the above when we first tradition mindfulness in speaking, but as with all knowledge, with constant pattern it will become easier.
Formerly you have to become good at it, you will notice the transformation in your relationships with others in a positive way.
Communication is central to our ability to connect well with our spouse and working in cooperation with them in resolving presenting issues that arise in period to day life.
Though there are a lot facets of communications, I want to focus on one specific area that I find married couples are often unaware of that can make a significant and positive inconsistency in how they communicate with each other: slowing down.
Slowing down is a wide-reaching word that needs to be defined.
In this particular context, I’m not referring to enunciating slowly or having fewer affairs on our schedule.
I’m referring to something more difficult, and maybe more important: controlling our psychological responses.
That’s right, limiting how we respond to our spouse in spite of how we feel.
This is something that is always easier said than done, peculiarly when we’re having a discrepancy and can feel our ardors steadily rising.
It’s usually at these critical points that we say or do stuffs that we regret, and eventually arrange the feelings security in our union at risk.
Maintaining that psychological safety and avoiding agonizing infractions is fundamental to a healthful wedlock.
Safeguarding your wedlock regarding the question is simply difficult and challenging where reference is allow our ardors to leader our responses.
That’s why we need to put principles like slowing down in place.
Let’s take a moment to examine how we can apply this unique principle to be employed in our marriages.
TAKE TIME TO CALM DOWN
Taking time to calm down may seem alone elementary, but I assure you it is not.
takes a full-grown and punished individual to discern a dialogue is quickly breaking down, decide to release for a period of time, and acquire the room required to calm down emotionally.
It is understood that countless marriages would prefer to have their development partners remain with them until their dissension is resolved, however staying together and continuing to talk may only lead to further conflict or the psychological withdrawal of one or both members.
The actuality is there are times when slowing down and doing the following is far more constructive :
1. Identify when a conflict is developing.
2. Break from the conversation and allow each member to have adequate time to rest emotionally.
3. Sustain the necessity discussion eventually that day after all the persons has calmed down.
These steps allow each spouse to move out of push or flight penchants, to reflect upon why they are experiencing a sense of increase affection, and to prepare to calmly disclose the basis of their thwarting, fury, hurt, or sadness when their conversation resumes.
It too helps to do something which helps you calm down and loosen.
Take a amble, work out, pray, listen to music you enjoy, predict, or pertain a different program.
Either way, do something that you enjoy to help your person and mind to respite before returning to the conversation with your partner.
I write this knowing that couples who obtain this type of rest are better well placed to calmly express their thoughts and sentiments to each other, and to work through important issues in a fashion that helps construct the feeling the linkages between them.
Empathy is a truly unique and strong human capacity that get a long way in marital communication when it’s addressed.
For some people, empathy is more of a natural response.
For others, it is something they have to work to develop.
In either occasion, empathy is a resource we need to become technical in using if we desire to see our communication with our spouse reach new levels.
I’ve regularly encountered couples come into matrimony advise seminars annoyed, defensive and in conflict with one another.
They seemed to be coming nowhere in their conflict, aside from exclusively heightening developments in the situation at hand.
After helping them slow down and exploit abuse of pity, they begin to engage very differently.
Not simply are they able to calm down, they are better able to understand the perspective of their spouse and authenticate what they had been going through emotionally.
Watching this conversion comes is nothing short of phenomenal.
Likewise, these experiences speak to our capacity to literally improve and change the specific characteristics of our speeches, while increasing our understanding of our spouse.
The following is a brief exercise that you can follow to practice consuming empathy.
Take 60 seconds to mentally put yourself in your spouse’s position.
Ask yourself, “If I was them, What would I be seeming? or What would I be thinking? ”
Take added time to reflect upon the thoughts and inclinations generated by military exercises, and allow yourself to consider them in light of how your marriage is responding.
Like most duets, you’ll likely find that putting yourself in your spouse’s berth enables you to be more sensitive to their territory necessities, applies, lusts and feelings responses.
I would encourage you to practice this exercise multiple times a day, whether you and your marriage are together or apart.
If you happen to be apart, know that you can eventually commit them by saying something of the implications of: “I was thinking about you earlier, and am wondering if you might be sensation( e.g ., expectant, hurt, etc .) or be thinking about( e.g ., our quarrel earlier this week, etc .). ”
This type of engagement is important because it instantly gives your marriage know you were thinking about them( which is always a great feeling to express) and conveys that you are genuinely sensitive to their emotional and marital needs.
SETTING BOUNDARIES EARLY
Last but not least, placed boundaries in your dialogues as a means of slowing down and impeding conflict from developing.
This is a truly important step in healthy communication.
I’ve often determined marriages neglect preparing borderlines and finish up in a pain negative communication hertz( e.g ., two other members harshly engages/ the other member emotionally moves) in which both members experience hurt and misunderstood.
It’s far more to know your feelings restrictions in a conversation and to do them known early, in order to protect yourself and to help your spouse better understand how to redirect their approach to you.
“I care about you and would be glad to listen to you, however please stop affecting me with your words.”
“I know you would like to keep talking about this, but I detect myself shutting down.
Let’s break for a few minutes, remain, and persist afterwards.”
The objective is to be aware of your own emotional process, to use an I appear account showing those affections, and to do your communication necessitates known to your spouse as soon as a possible.
Defining a boundary in this mode will assist you slow down the feelings process between you, as opposed to seeing it quickly heighten into something destructive.
BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER IN PRAYER
All of these strategies are helpful. And more, implementing any of them well requires that our middles are in the right place.
Prayer is central regarding the question, as it reminds us of our large calling to live out our desire to honor the Lord each day, including beloved and care for our spouse.
It also helps us be determined whether we are allowing The Fruit of the Spirit to be evident in our daylight to daytime lives.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, delight, serenity, equanimity, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no statute( Galatians 5:22 ). ”
Couples who infuse their relationship with these result will significantly benefit from peace and connection that follow in their relationship.
Knowing how to communicate effectively is a very invaluable skill to have and it can help improve your personal and professional life tremendously.
It is not enough to just send a message to another person; it has to be sent in such a manner that the desired result is obtained.
Communication is therefore a two-way process. However, most people are unaware of how to communicate properly due to a variety of reasons.
If you are interested in finding out how to improve communication then the following tips will be of great use to you:
1. Give adequate attention when you are sending a message to someone. In other words, try to focus on each conversation so that you can give the right message out and avoid sending out mixed messages.
This applies as much to written messages as it does to verbal ones.
You should avoid the temptation of multitasking when you are communicating with someone else because it can lead to mistakes and hurt feelings.
2. Look for additional clues that will help you read between the lines. Do not take everything at face value.
This is especially important when you are having a face to face conversation with someone.
If the other person’s verbal and non-verbal do not match the content of the message then you can be sure that something is wrong.
3. Address communication errors as soon as they occur because they have the capacity of escalating to major problems.
Do not be afraid of asking the other person to clarify or offering a clarification yourself in order to avoid major issues.
4. Reinforce the message by repeating it if necessary or by using another means of communication in addition to it.
If you have had a telephone conversation on an important subject, something that includes names, dates or prices for instance, then it’s a good idea to send a text message or email with the details you have discussed so that there is no scope for doubts to remain.
5. Ask questions if you feel that you haven’t understood what a particular discussion is about.
Most people will be glad to answer you in detail because it shows that you are very interested in what they are talking about.
You will find it very easy to get along with people once you learn how to improve communication with them.
In fact, you’ll also realize that people are more likely to be helpful and accommodating if you communicate your requirements properly.